Depression can sneak up on someone without announcing its intentions. Depression is debilitating and exhausting to fight. Depression can lead to poor choices, inaction and unrealized dreams. I just realized that depression has been a fight I have been fighting for way too long and it has been winning all this time.
I have been using the tools at IAchieveToday to some analyzing about my self esteem in an attempt to identify the limited beliefs my subconscious has so they can be eradicated. I was required to list 3 adjectives to each of 9 categories and then ask someone else to do the same in reference to me.
So, I tempted fate and had my husband be the other person. I promised to not get mad if he would be honest with me. I really needed help to see things about myself so I could get them fixed.
It was an extremely enlightening discussion and I kept my word by not being offended. I begin to see a pattern emerge that I hadn’t seen before and it is troubling. When looking at the list of negatives, I believe I am seeing a hidden depression that I didn’t know I had.
I have always been upbeat, optimistic and hopeful and I thought that this meant that I couldn’t be a depressed person chronically. I would have occasional episodes of despair that a good 24 hrs of vegetation existence would fix.
However, after analyzing my list of adjectives, I realized that I spend every day consumed with little tricks and techniques fighting depression and I didn’t even realize it. I am so busy staying positive and up beat that I fail to follow through with what is needed to succeed in life. It is literally taking all of my energy to keep focusing on the process of seeing the good that there is nothing left to build a great life.
I have a wonderful job and I love it. Yet, I sabotage myself frequently by getting bogged down in self-help exercises trying to correct inadequacies. Don’t get me wrong — it is good to work on yourself and often. However, I feel so inadequate that I don’t think deep inside myself I am qualified or worthy to do any thing more.
Growing up, I had authority figures that I didn’t get along with and I have always felt that I wasn’t good enough for them. I won’t say who they are because there are people today who would get offended by anything negative I might say about them. No matter what I did, it was just never good enough. The only time I ever saw pride in their eyes was when I went to war. I had to go to war to get any type of approval. I thought I was over this disappointment in my life and I guess I was wrong.
I love learning and my husband is right – I am scared to really utilize all the knowledge I have gained in this life because then I will have to be in the spotlight a little. Most people who know me from high school won’t believe me when I say I am a shy person. I don’t really like the spotlight and it feels awkward when forced to shine.
However, God has been very clear that I am to shine and help others find their way by using my knowledge and experiences. This is why I want to be a life coach and author. It has become a calling for me. This is why I so desperately strive to fix myself – so I can reach out to others who are hurting worse than I am.
I believe it has been in His good grace that I have identified a core issue of depression that I need to get fixed before any other exercises will truly take effect.
Depression affects how I look. When asked about appearance, my husband said that when I cared to, I looked awesome. However, when I was in the mood to not care, I didn’t. He refused on saying what I really looked like at this point and good for him and his restraint. I know I look pretty frumpy when I don’t feel like dealing, but didn’t really want to hear my hubby say it.
How can I expect the professional world to accept me fully when I have too many days of not caring how I look?
How can I expect to develop a career of working with people when there are days I am just too depressed to deal with the world?
How can I find full joy in life when I would rather be hiding in my bedroom?
I think about my daughter, Emma. She is so much like me. That scares me a little. Right now, she is hiding away instead of joining others in life. We have already scheduled a therapy visit to assist in helping her. I now realize that my past behaviors have been a poor example for her.
I am so filled with gratitude that Heavenly Father allowed me to truly see this problem, this depression. I know that He loves me and wants me to have a full and satisfying life. He knows that until I take responsibility for this hidden depression, I will not get to have the full experiences I need to have in this life, nor will I have the success I so deeply desire.
You might think I am crazy for sharing this with you – the very people I hope to help with facilitating change in their lives one day. However, I am taking the chance that this might actually help someone realize that they need help – just like I have realized I need help.
I will be discussing this very issue with my doctor at the VA next week and look at the options available to me. I will take medicine if needed but would prefer to find a holistic approach. I do know that I need to free up my energy so I can get more productive business done and the quickest way to begin this process is medication. I will do what is necessary for now until I find a better, long term solution.
What’s so ironic is that I have had a similar conversation with a couple of family members who are bipolar. I begged them to be on their medications so they would’t have to spend all their time and energy on just staying leveled. I reasoned with them that the medication would do the leveling and then they could use their energy to build a better life. What a hypocrite I have been!
So, I am taking my own advice.
I am taking matters into my own hands and seeking help from medical professionals. I will let them fix the chemical imbalances and I will continue on fixing the core limiting beliefs while I take action to a better, more fulfilling life. I vow that 2016 is the year I claim victory and I am going to bring as many people along with me as possible. May God bless your life in all things.